November 12, 2015


Sometimes I wish I was even more awesome than I already am.
What would my life be like if I turned this shit up to eleven (out of a possible five)?

Ninja Brian, hand me my cloak. And my staff. And my horn. And that thermos of soup. I'm hungry but also thirsty, and you can kind of like eat and drink soup at the same time. Let's go!

Riding straight out of your imagination
Using my magic to fight against crime
Destroying evil with powers most awesome
Protecting the weak almost all of the time.
But not Sundays -- Game of Thrones is on!

Now is the time for a man of conviction
The world needs a hero, and I am that guy

Look! Who is that masked man?
That's Ninja Brian, but shut up about him. Let's focus on me, because...

I am the Unicorn Wizard
Riding for justice on a comet of stars
With the help of my sidekick Princess Handjob
I'm more awesome and smarter than I already are

I am the Unicorn Wizard
My spells are amazing, and my reflexes quick
My horn is my strength and my strength is my power
And my power is my horn and my horn is my dick.

Here's your opportunity to stop listening if this song got too amazing for you. No? OK.

My life is a party, the guests are supermodels
Operation: I Rule is a total success
Every day I invent a new form of karate
That changes the way that Japan views the West

Then we retire to the Chamber of Passion
And bathe in pool of strawberries and cream
The strawberries rub and exfoliate gently
The cream travels places you can't even dream

Ugh, I think I just dreamed it.
How was it? Amazing?
You mean Uhh... stounding? Yeah. You do.

I am the Unicorn Wizard
Just like Danny Sexbang, I'm handsome and strong
With the help of my hellhounds Tinkles and Gary
We punish the wicked then break into song

I am the Unicorn Wizard
A superhero for the entire human race
My wand casts a spell that will unlock the door
And the wand is my junk and the door is your face

Danny, Danny, wake up!
Oh hey mom. I had the craziest dream! I was the unicorn wizard.
Aww, shut up.
Unicorn Wizard!
I said shut up.
You shut up.

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