November 12, 2015


Hey, I'm Snake from Metal Gear Solid. My game's got a pretty simple story

Snake, I don't see your name on the list

Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come on this show and talk about it...

Oh god, no

It was the distant future, two thousand and five
All I wanted to do was chill out and retire
But genetically enhanced, when a case named Foxhound
Stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown

Okay we're past our time in this Snake

Colonel Campbell said I had to infiltrate
Before they started nuclear conflicts
What a bunch of jerks!

You're a bag of dicks

I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys
They shared top secrets and suddenly died
Of two heart attacks right out of thin air
All within five minutes!

Oh my god, I don't care!

Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks
And I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot
But a cyborg ninja cut his hand away
You know, normal shit that happens every day

Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake
On this show you've got to get right to the point of the game
Like the ship from Galaga

Hi, I shoot stuff in space

And this car from Pole Position

I'm a car!

That's great!

You know we've been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife
And he talked too long I contemplated ending my life
So let's keep things nice and simple like the hero over there
From the Atari game Adventure

I'm literally just a yellow square!

Who cares
I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex
And the ninja came back in the mix like Chex
It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven
A big motherfucin' Alaskan shaman
So I killed that guy but before he died
He said Meryl liked me, I almost cried
She's a little hottie pants, oo-ee-ya

It would be so great if you died right now

I killed Sniper Wolf who was absurdly hot
And then murdered three guys and an evil robot
'Til Liquid Snake and I were left alone
He said that I was his brother and a superior clone
Then he died of a virus and thinking fast
Meryl saved us

I don't give a frog's fat ass

Then when saved again until the seven year itch
And now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear bitch!

Listen Snake I've taken all I can take
Just because your game is simple doesn't mean that it's lame
Tell the kid from Paperboy

Yo, I deliver those papes!

The guy from Elevator Action

Uh, elevators?

Dear God
Why can't I just have a single panel of guests
Who can say their plots in forty fuckin' minutes or less
Now just watch me sneaker boy you'll make me reach for my gun
I'll summarize your game and show you how this shit is really motherfuckin' done!
How it's motherfuckin' done!
"I sneak around and save ther world. The End."
My god, can I get a replacement guest with a simple plot please?

Hi, I'm Sora from Kingdom Hearts!


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